I find that I am at a loss of what to say to you. I hope that you know that my world fragmented when you left. I understand and accept that the physical pain which you endured was unimaginable. Yet, my selfish self, still wanted you to live within all that pain. I felt hurt, angry, and abandoned the moment I knew that you were truly gone. Those feelings are still alive and well in me.
We are creeping upon the 5-year mark since you passed. At once it seems like time has quicken and slowed. Each moment of the days preceding your death are scarred into my existence. Watching you fade away without having the power to change the inevitable still makes me livid. All I wanted to do was save you. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to wake up and look at me. I wanted you to smile and have your eyes light up. I wanted a life that was impossible.
The warm memories that should fill me are shadowed by pain. I do my best to repress and or wade through the sadness but lately, I have lacked the power to do so. The child, adult, and daughter within me all want you back. I know how your presence touched so many people. Because of you, their lives were made better. People who never knew kindness were touched by the ease of your being. You made everyone feel loved. That is a very hard skill. You never saw it. You never knew the extent of your power.
With all that is left of the daughter that you knew, I miss you. The parts of me that would be new and foreign to you miss you as well. Those parts are a bit darker than you would like, but they have helped me navigate the past five years. I still feel like an orphan and that will never change. But I realize that there are people in my circle who love me, and I believe, accept all of me. The good and the ugly.
I am convinced that where you are, is richer for having you in that environment. Whomever surrounds you is blessed. They will see what we all saw, you are an angel.
Giselle #breakfree23 #mom #loss #love #angel #mentalhealth #fiveyears #past #future …